


Letters to Kili

by WithywindlesDaughter



Series: The Private Lives of Dwarves [1]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Angst, Arranged Marriage, BOFA at the end, Because you will regret it, Before the quest, Dis is Strong, Durincest, Ered Luin, F/M, Fili's Babies, Fili's Children, Fili/Kili - Freeform, Fili/OC - Freeform, Kili Leaves, Loss, M/M, Really don't, Tears, Thorin is Unreasonable, Thorin learns not to tangle with his sister, Thorin's Princess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-11
Updated: 2013-07-14
Packaged: 2017-12-19 03:44:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WithywindlesDaughter/pseuds/WithywindlesDaughter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili's letters to his lost brother who vanished on the eve of an arranged marriage.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "What About Kili?"

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as just as little ficlet but the boys wouldn't leave me alone about it and now it's three chapters.

** “Letters to Kili” **

**Part I  
**

 

 

_“Dear Kili,_

_The wedding went well.  Astridr turned out to be a nice girl and Mother likes her very much.  Thorin, Dwalin and Balin stood for me at the ceremony.  I missed you.  There was a great feast that lasted three days.  I wish you had been standing beside me.  She is in the same difficulty.  An arranged marriage, but not to her One.  Mahal, Kili, I don’t know how families can be so cruel.  But she didn’t cry and she doesn’t seem too disappointed in me.  I will try to be a good husband.  I told her about us.  She understands._

_I miss you so much, I think about you every day.  I wonder where you are and if you will ever come home.  Please come home nadad.  I need you._

_Your One, Fili”_

* * *

  _  
_

“Uncle, no!”

“This is not open to discussion, Fili!  The treaty is signed.  It is done.”

“But you can’t!  You didn’t even ask me!” 

“I can and I have and that is the end of it!” Thorin roared.  This heated fight had been going on for a good hour, ever since Thorin had announced his sealing of a critical treaty with another kingdom by the promise of marriage of his heir to the daughter of a king.  This treaty was important, would guarantee peace and open trade and he wasn’t going to allow his lovesick nephew destroy it.  “This treaty took years to negotiate, Fili!  I have signed and sealed it.  It is time for you to grow up and start taking some responsibility for our people!”

Usually this line is enough to set his nephew straight and force him into Thorin’s way of thinking, but not today.  Not on this.  “What about Kili?”

Thorin slammed the lid to his writing desk down and locked it with a resolute snap.  “When Kili comes of age,” he said through gritted teeth.  “He will also marry.  That is the way.”  He was getting more and more frustrated with his nephews refusal to see things his way and an explosion of temper was on the horizon.

_“No, I won’t!”_   Where Fili would try to persuade his uncle to change his mind Kili was openly defiant. 

Thorin turned to the younger brother and glared down at him, rage written plainly across his face.  His voice became quiet, filling the small house with foreboding.  “You are an heir of my house,” Thorin’s anger was palpable.  “And you will do what is expected of you.”  Thorin rounded back upon Fili, ignoring the stricken look on his face.  “I expected as much from your brother, Fili, but not from you.”  And with that he shouldered past them and left the house, silence echoing in his wake.

In a moment Kili was in his arms, small and unhappy, pressing his face into his brother’s shoulder.  “What are we gonna do Fee?”

“I don’t know,” Fili rubbed his hand across his other’s shoulders.  “I don’t know.”

 

* * *

  

_“Dear Kili,_

_It should not surprise you to know that by this time next year you will be an uncle.  Mother’s over the moon with happiness.  I have never seen her like this Kee.  She smiles all the time and she and Astridr are busy making plans for the nursery.  If it’s a boy we shall name him Nali after our father.  I shall teach him to hold a sword and to work at the forge.  I want to buy him a pony, but it will be a long time before he will be able to sit one.  For now I shall just have to ride him around on my back.  I think that you will be a good uncle and teach him to hunt and help him make his way in the world.  I will carry him on my shoulders and you will tell him all the stories of your adventures in the world._

_I miss you so much, I think about you every day.  I wonder where you are and if you will ever come home.  Please come home nadad.  I need you._

_Your One, Fili”_

* * *

  _  
_

Deep in the forest of Ered Luin two dwarves lay naked on the long grass watching sunlight filter down upon them through the trees.  They are naked and unashamed, the bond between them cloaking them with its certainty.  In the stillness time seemed to linger more slowly, stretching out kind fingers to lovers who lay in secret.  Neither of them wanted to speak, but speech wasn’t necessary, not between them, so the silence remained. 

They had come here to hunt, at least that’s what they told their family.  What had been open and accepted was now confined to stolen moments.  They were side-by-side always, stealing time and hoarding it away for the day when the older stepped over that threshold and left such childish notions behind.  They both stuffed their hearts full, gorging on what little was left before it was gone forever.  The younger reached out his hand and their fingers intertwined, the gentle stroking of a thumb saying, “Not yet.  We still have this.”

Finally, eventually, they rose up and prepared to go, each dressing the other in solemn quietude.  They knew every button, every clasp, just how to set sword and quiver.  Then they carefully pulled fingers through mussed hair, this wordless exchange of love more powerful than any spoken declaration, picked up their gear and disappeared into the trees.

 

* * *

  

_“Dear Kili,_

_Yesterday I greeted my son as he came into the world.  Praise Mahal but babies do not look anything like you think they will.  He has a healthy voice and a tuft of hair like mine.  Oin says it will be days before we see the true color of his eyes.  As agreed we are calling him Nali, after our Da.  Astridr is doing well.  She seems happy and Ma has adopted her as a daughter.  I think Ma was secretly wishing for a girl, but that may yet come.  Between his mother, grandmother and Mr. Dwalin my son has yet to sleep in his cradle.  I never thought I would see the day where Dwalin would be sitting in a chair rocking a newborn dwarfling!  Dwalin is the only one who can get him to sleep when he is upset.  Nali has him wrapped around his little finger.  I wish you could see him.  You would love him like I do.  I know you would._

_I miss you so much, I think about you every day.  I wonder where you are and if you will ever come home.  Please come home nadad.  I need you._

_Your One, Fili”_

* * *

  _  
_

They came home late in the afternoon tired and sore from training with their weaponsmaster, looking forward to a hot bath and a good meal.  Kili wanted to go back out and spend some time in the tavern after supper if no one had late chores for them to do and Fili was of a mind to agree.  He never really denied Kili anything if he could help it, and spending some time laughing with friends would do them both some good.  Just some time to be normal and forget.

When they walked into the house they saw their mother sitting at the kitchen table going over the household ledger, an uncharacteristic frown on her face.  The boys walked in to kiss her hello and she placed a hand on Fili’s wrist.  “We got a raven today,” she said quietly.  “They will be here in a month.”

The boys didn’t need to be told who _they_ were.  The wedding caravan, Fili’s future bride.  “So soon?”  The words were out of Kili’s mouth before he could stop them.

“Does Uncle know?” Fili asked her.

“Yes, he’s in town making arrangements.”  She looked tired.  There had been long, heated arguments between her and her brother over this.  To see her sons so unhappy was the slow breaking of her heart.  “I expect him back for the evening meal.”

Fili leaned over and pressed his forehead to hers.  “If you don’t need us for anything Kili and I are going swimming.”

Dis reached out and squeezed their hands.  “I will set some food aside for you.  Go.”  She understood.  She had always understood.

They stowed their gear in their room and walked out into the late afternoon sun.  There was a creek that ran down from the hills, bright and cold in the heat, gifting the boys with perfect summer days under a clear sky.  Stripping down on the bank they slipped quietly into the water where it was deepest, the water slipping past their skin like icy silk.  Kili pressed himself against his other’s chest as strong arms encircled him.  The illusion of time they had been carrying around with them now shattered, pieces falling like a broken mirror.  Fili does not think his chest could hurt as much as it does now, the cavernous hollow inside of him filling up with Kili’s tears as his other sobs into him.

“It will be alright,” Fili strokes his hair and tries to sooth him.  “You’ll still be my Kee.  We will make it work.” 

“It will never be alright,” sobs his beautiful, dark haired brother.  “He will give you away and you will never be mine again.”

“I’ll always be yours, Kee,” Fili whispers.  “It will be alright.”  It has to be alright because he doesn’t think he can do this if it’s not.  He tells himself that lie because he has to believe it, and even though he knows it is a lie, that it will never be the same, the truth is more than he can bear. 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. "Children No Longer"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili's letters to his lost brother who vanished on the eve of an arranged marriage.

_“Dear Kili,_

_Astridr is nesting again.  She has turned out to be a good wife and a good mother.  More than that, she has turned out to be a good friend.  There is love there, in a way, but it is a shared love.  When I see her with little Nali she reminds me of our mother, and when I am sick with longing for you she understands.  It is not quite as hard for her, her One is not out there, lost.  Sometimes I see her sad, when she thinks no one is looking, but with Nali those times are less and less.  We are making the best of it.  Mother is happy and even Thorin has nothing to complain about.  I look for you every Durin’s Day, praying that I will see you striding home across the meadow in the morning light._

_I miss you so much, I think about you every day.  I wonder where you are and if you will ever come home.  Please come home nadad.  I need you._

_Your One, Fili”_

 

* * *

_  
_

As the day draws nearer Thorin moves Kili into the spare bedroom, a stern look saying that he will brook no opposition on this.  “You are children no longer, so you might as well start getting used to it.  Fili will have more important matters to attend to.”

Fili sucks in his breath, waiting for the explosion of temper he has come to expect from his other.  It doesn’t come.  Instead of angry words or pleading Kili resolutely walks into the small room and start setting out his personal things as if he’s long been expecting it.  Thorin’s eyes burn a hole into his back as if trying to peel this new layer over his younger nephew’s thoughts away from him.  “When he’s done come downstairs.  Your mother wants you both measured for new formal clothing.”

Fili walks into his brother’s room… no, the spare room where his One has been shunted and lightly touches his back.  “Kili?”  At the light ghosting of fingertips Kili’s shoulder’s start to shake.  Fili steps forward and fiercely embraces him from behind.  “I’ve never…” the words tumble shakily from his lips.  “I’ve never been alone before Fee.”

For the first time Fili does not have an answer for him.  He lays his head down on his shoulder and holds him until the shaking eases away.  He helps him set the room up to be as much like the room they have always shared as possible and then walk downstairs where the others are waiting for them and if anyone notices their eyes red and swollen they say nothing of it.

 

 

* * *

 

_“Dear Kili,  
_

_I wish you could see little Nali.  I walk through town with him on my shoulders every day, holding onto my braids for balance, and he goes to watch me at weapons practice.  The other day he climbed up on the fence and leaped upon Dwalin with a yell like true warrior!  Dwalin slings him around dangling from the crook of his arm like he’s nothing, Nali laughing all the while.  One day our son will be a great warrior, Kili, he’s fearless and strong and I love him.  I tell him stories of his wild uncle who roams the lands far from home, show him where we used to play as dwarrows.  Once he asked where you were now, he wanted to see what you looked like.  I didn’t have an answer for him._

_I miss you so much, I think about you every day.  I wonder where you are and if you will ever come home.  Please come home nadad.  I need you._

_Your One, Fili”_

 

 

* * *

 

That night Kili helped his mother clean the kitchen and tend the animals as Fili sat with Thorin and Balin in the common room going over details of the wedding and the royal party that would be arriving in a few weeks time.  He listened carefully as Balin recited names and titles and explained who everyone would be and how Fili was expected to behave.  The celebrations would last for three days and the visiting nobles would most likely stay for several weeks to affirm ties and rest before the return journey.  Fili sat with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped before him.  Balin had actually met the princess and Fili was assured that she was indeed acceptable.

 _“But she won’t be Kili,”_ he thought. _“That won’t be acceptable at all.”_   The weight of obligation pressed down upon him, crushing him into the floor with an inescapable sense of inevitability.  “Thank you.  I’m sure she will be,” was all he said.

Kili climbed the steps without saying goodnight and slid the bolt home on his door, locking himself into his little space.  He didn’t bother to light a candle, there was enough light from the half-moon filtering in through his window.  He pulled off his boots and laid back on the hard bed, waiting for the sound of footsteps that hesitated at his door and then moved on to the next room.  He heard his brother close the door, the quiet sounds of him setting his boots carefully by his chair (as Kili knew he did every evening) and climbing into bed.  A small while later a second set of footsteps, heavier and with purpose, ascended the steps and stopped at his door.  The latch rattled slightly but he had bolted his door from the inside.  The heavy sound of boots moved to the next door and he heard the door open. 

“Uncle?”

“Goodnight Fili.”  The heavy steps continued to his uncle’s room at the end of the house and in a short time all was quiet.  Kili waited until the sounds of sleep filled the house, rose from the bed and went to the window.  When they were boys they would sometimes go out onto the roof when they were supposed to be in bed and lay under the stars.  He leaned out and carefully slid over the sill.

 

 

* * *

_“Dear Kili,_

_Fjallarr arrived this morning.  Another boy.  We were trying for a girl, but even so we are happy with a healthy dwarrow.  Nali doesn’t know what to think of it all.  He doesn’t really understand where the baby came from.  I will leave that to his mother and grandmum to explain.  I will start taking him to lessons with Balin and Ori in a few days.  He’s of age to start learning and it will get us out of the house for a little while.  I am teaching him to ride.  He can sit one of our old ponies while I lead him around the yard.  Dwalin says he’s ready to start training but his mother thinks he is still too young.  I think Mr. Dwalin would have made a good father.  As it is he will now have two “little goblins” to ambush him whenever he comes to visit._

_I miss you so much, I think about you every day.  I wonder where you are and if you will ever come home.  Please come home nadad.  I need you._

_Your One, Fili”_

 

 

* * *

 

A fortnight before the wedding party is expected to arrive Thorin came home leading a fine bay pony.  It was far nicer than the sturdy little work beasts they used for hunting trips and hauling carts.  He had longer legs and a gaited step and was obviously for riding.  The boys came out to the yard to admire him.  “He’s beautiful,” Kili stroked his sleek neck.

“He is for you,” Thorin commented as he lifted his saddlebags from his own pony.

Fili stepped up to take the saddle for him.  “Congratulations Kee.  I wish I had a pony that nice.”

“Does he have a name?”  Kili was quite taken with the animal.  Usually he received hand-me-downs from his brother.  The pony bunted him with his nose for more petting.

“I did not think to ask.”  Thorin had bought the animal from one of the towns of men on a trip to secure supplies for the wedding.  “You should name him.”

“Then I shall call him Trygg.”  Kili gently rubbed the dark face while the pony snuffled his tunic.  “Thank you Uncle.”

“We can go riding tomorrow,” Fili offered, happy to see his melancholic brother so enthusiastic. 

“You should ride him every day until you get used to him,” Thorin commented.  “He is faster than you are used to and you have a long journey ahead.”

“What?”  Fili stopped, a currycomb for Thorin’s mount in one hand. 

Thorin did not turn around to look at him but continued on with his work.  “I have decided that when our guests depart after the wedding Kili shall go with them.  He will foster with your wife’s family and perhaps find himself a bride there.”

Fili looked at his brother who was standing still with a stricken expression on his face.  “Uncle, this is too much!”

Thorin turned on him.  “I was not aware that these decisions were up to you!”

“I understand that you need me to marry,” Fili protested.  “I understand why I must father children.  But, Uncle, _I need my brother by my side!”_

“This is not open for negotiation!  I’ll not have your wife cuckold in her own home!” Thorin roared.  “Do you think I do not know what the two of you are doing when my back is turned?  I tolerated it because you were young.  But now it is time for both of you to grow up and take on the responsibility into which you were born.  Your wife will not stand by and watch you rut all over your brother while she does without because you cannot control…”

Thorin’s angry shouts were interrupted by a solid blow to the face and he staggered back, shocked into silence.  Fili and Kili found themselves staring open mouthed at their mother who stood rigid, her right hand balled into a fist and in her left the hatchet she had pulled from the chopping block.  “Boys, take the ponies around back and let them eat while you brush them.  My brother and I,” Dis turned a murderous gaze upon Thorin.  “Have things to speak upon.”

 That night both brothers bolted their doors and when the house was quiet Kili slid silently in through his brother’s window and into his waiting arms.  They didn’t have to speak, they had talked until they ran out of things to say and then eaten their supper in silence.  Their mother and uncle sat at opposite ends of the table, Thorin avoiding her gaze while an ugly bruise spread across the left side of his face.  _“If you ever speak to my sons like that again I will carve your balls out and make you eat them!”_ they had heard her say in a voice so angry that it frightened them. 

They lay skin to skin on the bed and touched and stroked and kissed and whispered loving words in sibilant streams, careful not to be heard but not caring if they were.  It was as if they were trying to pack a lifetime into the few nights they had left to each other and they held each other with a frantic need as if wanting what was going to happen to go away would make it so. 

 

 

* * *

 

_“Dear Kili,_

_We had a hard winter this year.  Deep snows kept the trade caravans away and many of the farms lost their livestock.  We all huddled under the stone during the worst of it.  The snow crusted over into ice and when we went out on patrol we found goblin tracks, although they did not show themselves to us.  Never have they come so close to the settlement.  When the snows melted enough to travel Thorin, Dwalin and I led hunting parties to clean them out of the surrounding hills.  Not all of the warriors who went out returned and I had to give some of my men back to the stone.  It was hard.  Thorin is more and more wrapped up in meetings and planning, leaving me to handle the town on my own.  I wish you were by my side, you would make this burden easier to carry.  Kili, where are you?_

_I miss you so much, I think about you every day.  I wonder where you are and if you will ever come home.  Please come home nadad.  I need you._

_Your One, Fili”_

 

 

* * *

 

“Fili, you and your brother will ride out with Thorin, Dwalin and myself to meet the caravan once it gets close on the road.  We will take an honor guard with us, not that they will be needed but out of tradition.  They will have brought their own guard with them.  This will be the first time she sees you, so you should have your greeting gift in hand for her.”  The raven had come bearing the note that the wedding caravan was a day’s ride away and staying overnight in a town just down the trade road.  The thought that the life he had lived until now was grinding quickly into dust sent a stab of pain behind Fili’s eyes that threatened to make him vomit all over the papers he was holding in his hands.  “Fili?”

The golden head jerked up and Fili realized the others were staring at him.  “I asked if you were alright, lad,” Balin asked gently.

“What?  I mean, yes, I just…” Fili passed a hand over his face.  “Was up reading the documents late last night and I have a headache.  I am sorry, I did not mean to be rude.”

“Don’t be sorry lad.  Some nerves are to be expected,” Dwalin patted him reassuringly on the shoulder. 

 _“I think now is a good time for the boys to take the ponies out for some exercise,”_ a firm voice spoke from the doorway.  They looked up to see Dis standing there looking at Thorin as if she dared him to say otherwise.  “You can all take this up again after supper.”

Thorin looked back at her warily, his black eye having finally faded he didn’t wish to have another on the eve of such an important occasion.  “Just as well, I have some final arrangements to make in town.”  He turned to Fili, “You have my leave to go.  Just remember that tomorrow will be an important day.”

Fili found Kili waiting for him in the back, their ponies groomed and saddled and a luncheon packed by their mother into their saddlebags.  He was glad for the rescue.  “Are you okay?” Kili asked. 

“Mahal, Kili, I feel like my head is going to explode it hurts so much.  I just wish everyone would shut up and stop talking at me.”

“Oh, okay.”

“Not you.  I need you to talk to me.”

“Shall we take the ponies up to the meadow?  We can let them graze while we eat.  Mum made your favorite.”

“Spicy sausage rolls?”

“Yeah, and some mince tarts.  I like those.”

And so they chatted together about nothing in particular as they rode, as if this were any other day and they were any two young dwarves enjoying a few hours of freedom under the open sky.  The hills rolled up towards the forest before them and for a brief moment Fili thought about following the trail upwards until he was swallowed by the trees, just to keep going and leave everything and everyone behind him and to keep on going until it was all forgotten and he was forgotten and no one made any more demands upon him than any other person who lived a quiet life unnoticed.

“You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?”

Kili’s eyes were on him and he knew there could be no lies between them.  Not this day.  “All my life I have been preparing for this.  Now I find it a bitter plate.”

“No, all your life you have been preparing for the day Thorin died and you would have to rule.  Not for being sold off to the highest bidder for the sake of some damn contract!”

Fili stopped his pony near the edge of the trees and dismounted, reaching for the girth to unburden his mount to graze.  “But a king needs an heir, Kili.  One of us had to do it.”

“We have cousins, we could have adopted.”

“You talk like I had a say in this.”

“We could leave.”

Fili stopped, saddle in hand and stared at his little brother.  “What?”

“We could leave.”  Kili’s face was earnest, as if he really meant what he was saying.  “You and I, we could leave together.”

“No, Kili,” he whispered.  “I cannot leave.”

Kili twisted his pony’s lead in his hands, tears starting to run down his face.  “We could take the south road to the lands of men and work a forge and use other names and no one would know who we were and Thorin couldn’t pull us apart from each other even if he did find us…”

“Kili,” Fili interrupted him.  “If Thorin had asked me, I would have said no.  But he did this without my leave.”

“He’s sending me away,” the tears were streaming down now.  “He’s sending me away and I’ll never see you again.  I’ve never been without you!”

“Do you think I want this?  Kili, I have to do this!  To break this treaty could bring war between our people!  If we were in Erebor kings would come begging to us, but were not.  We’re a kingdom in name only and if our people are to survive…”

“Our people survive now!” Kili interrupted him, becoming desperately angry. 

“We have to be strong!”  The words tasted hollow in his mouth, echoing what had been repeated to him a thousand times.  _All that we do is to remain strong in the face of a world that has no love for it’s misbegotten children._

“Why?” Kili demanded.  “So we can go back to Erebor?  You think that dragon’s going to die of old age?  Or was Azanulbizar not enough for you?  When are you going to stop hanging on Thorin’s word, Fili?  Does his approval mean so much to that you’d give me away?”

Those words winded Fili in a way that no blow ever could.  “Kili…” he tried to reach out to his frantic little brother.

“No!”  Kili pushed him away.  “Marry your princess!  Service her until Thorin says enough.  And if you get a spare,” he choked on the words.  “name it after me.”

“Kili!”  But his brother was already turning away from him, his face a mask of grief.  Fili chased after him and stopped him, wrapping his arms around him from behind.  “Please don’t turn away from me!  I need you!”  Kili folded up on himself, his reply choked with tears.  “Don’t turn away from me.”

“I won’t go with them, Fili!  I won’t!” he sobbed.  “I’ll be so lost without you and no one there will want me.”

Fili lowered him gently to the ground and stroked his hair.  True, the dwarves of Ered Luin valued Kili, but he had grown up in the Blue Mountains.  They had seen him trained by the best warriors in the kingdom, seen him fight, witnessed his strength and courage.  Even those who looked askance as his bow requested him on hunting expeditions because they knew there was no dwarf who shot truer.  But those from outside the settlement only saw his slim build and bare face and whispered about his choice of an elven weapon.  In some of the taverns they did more than whisper, and Fili had sent enough broken teeth to the floor that they learned to keep their mouths shut.  A life trapped in a strange hold with those who did not know him would be a miserable hell for Kili, and Fili knew it.

“It won’t be forever,” Fili stroked his hair.  “As soon as the babies start coming Mother and I will make Thorin bring you back.”

“And if he says no?”

“Then the first thing I will do as King will be to call you home, and you will rule by my side and we’ll raise our babies together as it should be.”

 _“It has to be enough,”_ Fili prayed. _“Mahal and Yvanna, please give me a way to fix this.”_


	3. "Find Your Own Path"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili's letters to his lost brother who vanished on the eve of an arranged marriage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this is going way beyond three chapters (it was supposed to be a one-shot, naughty boys!) More to come soon!
> 
> Thank you for the feedback! I love you comments, questions and every else! 

_“Dear Kili,_

_One more baby on the way.  I am thinking that three will be our lucky number and we’ll get a girl this time.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful?  A little girl to spoil and run her brothers around.  I would have to form an honor guard just to escort her around town.  I think this will be our last, though.  This time is harder on Astridr than the others.  Oin has her in bed, resting.  Every day I take the boys to lessons and to Dwalin so she has some time to rest.  Mother stays with her during the day so she won’t get lonely.  Every day the boys ask for stories of their wild uncle who roams the western lands and has adventures.  I’m afraid I’ve embellished those stories a little, but it’s very hard not to.  Sometimes I go riding by myself up in the hills and I can still see you there, hear your voice laughing and calling my name._

_I miss you so much, I think about you every day.  I wonder where you are and if you will ever come home.  Please come home nadad.  I need you._

_Your One, Fili”_

 

* * *

 

That night the household retired early.  They have an early morning and no one felt like talking.  Kili found his new dress clothes folded neatly on his chair but he did not look at them.  He set the candle down on his nightstand and closed his door.  He was about to throw the bolt home when a quiet knock sounded on the other side.  Cracking open the door he looked out.  “Mum?”

Dis gently pushed her way inside and turned to close and lock the door.  She took his hands in hers and lead him to the bed where they sat side by side.  “My little boy,” she stroked his hair.  “Always the softest place in my heart was for you.”

Kili let his head drop, tears starting to fall in earnest.  In all his life he had never been afraid to be little with her.  He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, how the biggest hole in his heart would be her absence.  He opened his mouth and found he could not say the words.

“I know,” she answered.  “I love you so much and I know you have to find your own way if you are to be happy.”  He leaned forward and rested his head on her shoulder.  They stayed like that for a long time.

 

* * *

 

Kili waited until he heard the sounds of sleep and slid quietly from his window to Fili’s and found him awake and waiting.  They pulled their clothing off and slotted their bodies together on the bed.  Fili could see his brother’s eyes glittering in the starlight from the window as he lay beneath him, wrapped tightly in his arms.  “One last time,” whispered Kili, his voice so soft as almost not to be heard.  Fili nodded and started to move slowly, gently, trying to imprint the shape and feel of his other’s body into his memory to hold onto for when the day came when all he would hold would be this memory. 

They do everything they know how, no words needed, gently kissing and sliding across each other’s skin.  Fili took Kili, then Kili took Fili and their limbs intertwined until it was not clear where one ended and the other began.  Finally, as Fili slept on into the darkness and the moonless sky shifted above the little house in Ered Luin, a hooded figure strode out across the grass, his way lit by the stars alone.

 

* * *

 

_“Dear Kili,_

_Thorin is often gone abroad to meetings of our kin and I am left to watch over the settlement.  I am not entirely alone, I have Mother and Balin to help me with matters of the court.  Dwalin is here to help me with the patrols.  I try to do right by our people, try to watch over them and make sure they are safe here.  The settlement has prospered and our people seem content.  Sometimes I wonder if Uncle might chance to pass by your forge, would he recognize you if he saw you?  Would you come home with him if he did?  There is no need for you to stay gone nadad.  He can ask no more from us._

_I miss you so much, I think about you every day.  I wonder where you are and if you will ever come home.  Please come home nadad.  I need you._

_Your One, Fili”_

 

* * *

 

That morning found Fili walking down to the kitchen in his bare feet to find a cup of hot tea.  Dis was already up and the morning meal in the works, bread cooling on the table and ham sliced and warming on the stove.  “Good morning,” she kissed him on the forehead.

“Morning,” he replied sleepily.  “Is there tea?”

“There’s always tea.  Get yourself a cup and set the plates out.”

As Fili tried to clear the cobwebs out of his head Thorin walked into the kitchen, his boots stumping on the wooden floor.  “Fili go wake your brother.  We will have to leave soon.”

Fili trotted back up the stairs and rapped on the door to the spare room.  “Kili, get up.  Breakfast!”  There was no answer.  Fili tried the door and found it unbolted.  “Kili?”  The room was empty.  Clattering down the stairs he returned to the kitchen.  “He’s not in his room.  Maybe he went to the barn to check the ponies.”

As he went through the door his stomach tightened.  When Kili was little he would hide when he was in trouble (which was often) and Fili would have to find him (which was always.)  Usually he hid out in the barn.  “Kili?  Please come out.  I need you.”  There was no answer.

“Did you find him?”  Thorin stuffed a slice of ham into some bread and gulped down his tea, preparing to leave.

“No, he’s not in the barn.”  Fili turned towards his mother.  “Did he say anything to you?”  Dis looked at him and shook her head. 

“Well get yourself ready then.”  Thorin reached for his coat.  “If your brother thinks he can skip out on all this I have some choice words for him.”

When they heard the door slam Dis set their plates on the table and sat down.  “Eat quickly.  I will braid your hair for you.”

“Mum,” Fili looked at her.  “Where’s Kili?”

“I do not know.”  She poked at her food.  He studied her face and the small frown lines and dark circles spoke of care and many sleepless nights.

“Please tell me,” he whispered.

“He will come home when he is ready.  He has to find his own path now.”

Fili turned and ran up the stairs.  A quick search of the closet in Kili’s room showed his travelling pack was gone, as well as his weapons.  He walked to the window and looked out upon the grassy field and the path that wound up towards the hills.  It was the same path they had taken a thousand times on a thousand adventures and he knew it like the back of his hand.  Kili knew it better.  He imagined he could see his other walking now.  “Follow the hills south until you hit the crossing of the Baranduin, then go east, following the rising of the sun until you meet the trade road at Tharbad.”  From there he could go anywhere, hire on with a caravan, work a forge in a city of men, and with every step he took Fili’s heart further and further away.  “Oh, nadad…” he whispered.  “Please turn around.”

 

* * *

 

_“Dear Kili,_

_Third time did the trick for us and we have a baby girl.  A girl, Kili!  She has dark eyes and soft dark hair and Mum cried when she saw her.  Astridr suggested we name her Kila and I think that’s a good name.  Yavanna has blessed us with such a precious jewel.  This time it is Thorin who is besotted and sits holding her by the fire while he sings.  We will have a special feast in her honor as soon as Astrider is well enough to attend.  I wish you could see her!  Kili and Kila, what a pair you would make._

_I miss you so much, I think about you every day.  I wonder where you are and if you will ever come home.  Please come home nadad.  I need you._

_Your One, Fili”_

 

* * *

 

The wedding party reached them at about the nooning, a long line of soldiers guarding wagons and riders as they came up the road.  Fili rode forward mounted on Trygg, the fine bay pony Thorin had bought for Kili, but Kili wasn’t here to ride him.  Instead Balin rode next to him as he followed Thorin.  He glanced at the lead wagon, full of giggling girls who were peaking up over the side to steal a look at him and wondered which one she was.  He hadn’t paid much attention to the formalities at the greeting, his mind following another path, another set of footsteps. 

“My sister-son, Fili, son of Dis,” he thoughts snapped back as Thorin introduced him.  Fili rode forward and bowed from his saddle.  “At your service.”

The lord he was looking at, who’s name he unfortunately he did not catch, motioned behind him.  “My brother-daughter, Astridr, daughter of Androder.”  A young darrowdam rode up on a small white pony.  Fili was surprised to see she was not in the cart with the other girls.  She was a little younger than himself and still slightly-built.  She pulled the hood back on her cloak to reveal a very pretty face and fair hair and eyes to match his own.  For a moment he felt disappointment, wishing she were darker, and then a pang of guilt knotted his stomach.  This girl did not look any more happy than he felt, perhaps she found him lacking in some way.  Perhaps she had hoped for a dwarf more like Thorin or Dwalin.  Or maybe it was because it was an arranged marriage and she too had left someone behind. 

He urged his pony forward until he was seated beside her.  “Welcome, Astrider, to Ered Luin, my home.” 

She looked at him for a moment as if considering.  “Thank you, my lord.  I hope you find your intended to your liking.”

Fili realized then that however hard this situation was for him it must have been far worse for her.  Arranged political marriages were often… lacking.  Loveless business contracts where at best spouses were indifferent to each other, at worse… well…  He reached into his coat and pulled a small, cloth-wrapped bundle from an inner pocket.  “My lady, I find you to be all I could have asked for.”  And it was true, had his heart not already belong to his One there was no reason he wouldn’t have found this girl delightfully lovely with her sweet face and carefully braided sideburns.  “I have brought you this in hopes that it might persuade you at accept my suit and allow me to court you.”  He ignored the stirring of the other nobles around him, unwrapped the bundle and offered her the gold and gem bracelet inside.

The girls in the wagon nearly fell out trying to catch a glimpse of it and she smiled a little wisp of a smile.  “That is a fine gift, my lord.”

“It is an heirloom of my house, brought from Erebor.”  She held out a slender wrist and let him fasten it for her.  “Does this mean you would have me?”

Technically they were already betrothed, there was no need for courting.  But he felt the need to make this better for her.  She smiled and he was relived.  “I think courting would please me,” she answered.  “How could I refuse?”

He turned his pony and led her forward, ahead of the rest of the column and caught a glimpse of a proud smile on his uncle’s face.  The Fundin brothers were doing more than smiling.  She made a point of not noticing.  “The mountains are beautiful this time of year,” he told her.  “Mayhaps I can steal you away from the formalities long enough to see them.” 

 

* * *

 

_“Dear Kili,_

_I am sorry I haven’t written in so long.  This winter has been very hard and I have so many things to tell you…”_

 

* * *

 

“How are you finding my little village?”  Fili and Astridr were walking together across the grass outside the city wall, not going anywhere in particular but glad to be out of the crush of nobles that had taken up every moment of their days.

“I’d hardly call it a village,” she laughed.  “You have great industry here.”

“But not the stone hold you’re used to.”

“No, but change can be welcome.”  She was silent for awhile and Fili watched her.  She seemed a little fragile to him, like she might break if he brushed up against her.  She was at once ignored by her kin only to be pushed and pulled into the many public events that had taken place until she started to wear thin and for some reason he felt protective of her.  It had taken a lot of arranging but he had managed to get luncheon set up on tables across the grass where they had room to wander away from all the pompous speeches and he could be free of her giggling maids.  With a pang he noted that there one or two Kili’s age that he might have gotten along with.  Maybe if he had been able to coax Thorin into a double-wedding…

Astridr stopped and sat down in the long grass, her seat affording her a view of the valley below.  “Fili…”  He sat next to her, aware of her chaperone’s burning gaze even from this distance.  “Might I ask you a question?”

“Of course.”

“You have a brother, do you not?”  She was a fairly to the point person, avoiding the frivolous natures of her court.

“Aye.  A little brother, Kili.”

“I have yet to meet him.”

Fili wasn’t sure how to answer.  He wasn’t even sure what she was asking.  “He is… away.”

“I see.”

They were silent for awhile, watching the clouds roll across the sky.  Just as his mind began to drift she spoke again.  “I have heard the two of you were very close.”

“Does that thought upset you?”  If she wanted a reason to refuse him this would be it. 

“No.  Yvanna teaches us that love freely given is a blessing.  There are many dwarves in my home that seek out other dwarves.  It is inevitable with so few dwarrowdams.”

Fili looked down at his hands.  “He left because he is my One, as I am his.  Thorin refused to grant us permission.”

Astridr did not comment at that.  Instead she pulled a small gold locket from a pocket inside of her gown and opened it where he could see.  Instead of a portrait or a cameo there was a curl of flame red hair clipped inside.  “His name was Fjallarr.He was a member of the royal guard, big, like your Dwalin, with scars and ink and hair like the sunset.”

“Your One.”

“My One.”

“Where is he now?”

Astridr lay back in the grass to look up at the sky.  “The Halls of Waiting.”

Fili lay next to her and looked up.  “What happened?”

“He went before my father and the council and formally requested permission to court me.  Fjallarr was our best warrior.  He swung a two-handed axe and none could stand before him.  He was respected and admired and those who didn’t had the good sense to fear him.  He brought my father a fine war helm that he himself had made.”

“He sounds like a fine dwarf.”

“He was, but he was of common blood.  He had worked his way up through the ranks to join the guard instead of having it bought for him.  Father said it would bring dishonor to the line to mix with common blood.”

“I have heard about honoring the line all of my life,” Fili sighed.

“He resigned his commission and went out to battle with the vanguard.  My father sent him out against an orc horde that swept up in the winter.  I gave him back to the stone myself.”

Fili turned to look at her.  “I am sorry.”

“As am I, but it cannot be undone.  I have to leave that life behind me.”

They were quiet again, both of them lost in their thoughts.

“Could you be happy here?”

“Does it matter?”

“It matters to me.  Could I make you happy?”

“Could be worse.”

“Oh?”

“My sister got sent off to a dwarf old enough to be her grandsire and twice as fat as an ox.  Smelled like one, too.”

Fili shook his head.  “That’s terrible!”

“She cried for a fortnight when she found out.”

“So could you?”

She looked at him.  “Be happy with you?”

“Well, yes.  Make a life here.  Be content.”

“I could, that, yes.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have tried to do justice to all the main characters. So often Thorin, Dis and whoever the OC is gets the short end of the personality stick, I do hope I am doing this right. 
> 
> If you want to read a sublime example of an author's Original Character done right go to http://archiveofourown.org/works/709351/chapters/1575284 and read "Ornir's Tale" by Thorinsmut. In fact, just read the whole series including the main story Axe/Knives, because if I could write that well I wouldn't be working a day job!


	4. "My Eastern Jewel"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili's letters to his lost brother who vanished on the eve of an arranged marriage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thorin finally opens up about his past and Fili learns a little about why his uncle is the way he is.

 

 

_“Dear Kili,_

_Some days are harder than others.  Mahal and Yvanna have blessed me with three beautiful children.  Nali and Fjallarr are rowdy boys and I wince when I think of all the trouble we must have caused Mum when we were little.  I try to keep them busy so they don’t wear her out.  I take them to listen to Bofur tell stories in the marketplace and lead them around on the ponies.  Sometimes I let them watch me train with Dwalin.  They like to attack him, pretending he’s a troll, and he calls them his “little goblins”.  Kila is so beautiful.  She has Thorin’s dark hair and Mum’s amber eyes.  I won’t be able to allow her out of the house without an honor guard.  Thorin calls her “Princess” and caters to her every whim.  She doesn’t go to sleep if he doesn’t sing to her.  Sometimes I take the boys to see their mother.  Fjallar is too young to understand, but Nali does.  Kili, how am I going to do this?  How did Mum?_

_I miss you so much, I think about you every day.  I wonder where you are and if you will ever come home.  Please come home nadad.  I need you.  
_

_Your One, Fili”_

 

* * *

 

A weary Fili wandered down to the common room, the boys finally tucked in asleep in their bed.  Dis was sitting on the sofa, sewing basket open and a pile of mending on her lap.  Thorin sat in his chair before the fire, a sleeping baby on his lap.  Fili looked over his shoulder.  “Do you want me to take her?”

“No,” Thorin adjusted her blanket.  “Her ear has been bothering her.  The warmth of the fire will help her rest.”

Fili glanced at his mother and she smiled and nodded.  Sitting in the other chair he watched his little daughter sleep, Thorin’s hand on her belly.  His uncle looked pensive.  “Kili used to have ear pains all the time when he was a baby.  Your father sat here holding him so he would sleep.  I looked for him, you know.”

“Uncle?”

“Kili, I searched for him.  Sent messengers to the other dwarven holds, the cities of men, as far east as Lake Town and as far south as Gondor.”

Fili studied his face intently.  “Did you ever hear anything?”

“Never.  I know he is out there, he’s just not ready to come home yet.”  There was a sadness to Thorin that Fili did not recognize. 

“So you’ve forgiven him?”

“What?”  Thorin looked up at him.  “Of course, I could never stay angry with either one of you for long.”

“But you were _so_ angry.”  Fili took his pipe out and rubbed his thumb over it.  Oin had told them not to smoke inside while the baby was having ear troubles.

“All parents get angry at their children,” his mother interjected.  “We cannot be angry forever.”

“Praise Mahal,” Thorin commented.  They sat in silence for a little while.  “I know it has not been easy for you, Fili.”  When his nephew didn’t answer he went on.  “Nothing has been easy since we left Erebor.”

“Why did you…”  Fili hesitated.  “Uncle, why did you never marry?”

Thorin waited a long time to answer, until Fili thought that he wouldn’t.  He brooded into the fire with Kila is his arms.  The he looked down at her and said softly, “I was.”

“Tell him, Thorin,” Dis spoke quietly.

Thorin looked down at little Kila sleeping in his arms and spoke to Fili for the first time about his One.  “As the oldest of my father’s children it fell to me to marry and father heirs.  My grandfather arranged for a treaty with one of the dwarven kingdoms in the east.  It would open a trade route for silks and spices and he paid a handsome bride price to bring a princess I had never met to Erebor.”

“What was she like?” Fili asked softly.

“Beautiful,” Thorin answered.  “Exotic.  So different from the dwarves I had grown up with.  I was determined to make the best of it, to yield up to duty and be a good husband, but when I saw her for the first time…”  He paused, smiling at the memory.  “I was caught, absolutely caught.  I was consumed by her, wanted to be with her every moment.  I wanted to gather every treasure and every trophy and pile them at her feet just to show her I was worthy.  I would play my harp and sing for her just to see her smile.  There was nothing I would not do for her.  She was my Eastern Jewel, she would be my queen, my wife, the mother of my children.”  He looked down meaningfully at Kila, who slept on, soothed by the sound of his voice.

“What happened?”  Fili thought he knew what had happened but he asked anyway.

“Dragon,” Thorin answered and Kila squirmed in her sleep.  Thorin gently stroked her fat little belly.  “The same for so many of my people.  That first year was the hardest.  We were ill-equipped to be on the road.  No food, no medicine for the ill and injured, no shelter against winter.  We were turned away at every door.  The roadside littered with makeshift shrines.  Mothers crying over little graves in the dirt, no stone to give their children back to.”

“You never shared this with me.”

“Even when we reached the Blue Mountains we were so poor.  I spent years going from town to city looking for work in the forges of men to earn enough to bring the supplies we needed back.  I never had time to think of marriage or children.  Thank Yvanna your mother was more practical.”

Dis smiled at that.  “Well somebody had to remember to make a family.”

“When your mother let me hold you for the first time, that was enough.”  Thorin paused and fixed Kila’s blanket.  “You were the quietest baby, so reserved.  Kili was just the opposite, so fussy all the time.  Do you know that you used to come tell us every time your brother wanted something?”

Fili laughed.  “No, really?  I don’t remember.”

“You were still very little,” Dis told him, folding her mending.  “You said that you were the only one who could understand him.  “Kili’s hungry.  Kili wants to get down and play.  Kili wants Uncle to sing to us.”

“I remember the singing,” Fili smiled.  “Mahal, was I really that cute?”

“We had to make him start talking by only giving him what he wanted when he asked for it,” Dis continued.

“Once he started we couldn’t get him to stop,” commented Thorin.

“He wanted to go everywhere you did, do everything you did.”

They were silent for awhile, each lost in their own memories, then Fili asked, “Do you…  Do you ever think he will come home?”

Thorin had no answer so Dis answered for him.  “As in all things, your brother will when he is ready. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This part of the story is an homage to Richard Armitages self-written biography of Thorin, that he believed Thorin lost his princess when Smaug took Erebor. 
> 
> The next chapter will bring everything full-circle.


	5. "All This Way To Find You"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili's final letters to Kili.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well we started as a one-shot, grew to three and now finishing out at five. This last chapter is a long one! I am just overwhelmed at the response I have gotten on this. All I can say is... I'm sorry!

* * *

_“Dear Kili,_

_Thorin has raised a company to make the journey back to Erebor.  I do not know what he hopes to find there, perhaps it is only redemption he seeks because without an army I see no way of defeating the monster inside.  This is the last chance for him, as far as he believes, to make good on his promise to return our people home.  I never understood what that was until I looked at my own children, Kili, a place where they would be safe and never want.  I will go with him of course and see it through to the end.  At best I expect to return in a year’s time with news that the beast still slumbers within those halls.  At worst… well, at worst I would that you would come home and raise my children as your own._

_If we do retake Erebor I will come find you.  I will need you by my side nadad._

_Your One, Fili”_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

As darkness swept over the battlefield at the Gates of Erebor the Dwarves on the ramparts levered over the stones of the makeshift wall, sending the blocks cascading down upon the orcs that were flanking the armies of dwarves, elves and men below.  Thorin Oakenshield, King Under The Mountain, of the Line of Durin leaped down from the ramparts shining like a golden sun in his armor, a heavy axe in his hands and his eyes blazing like fire.  _“My kin to me!  Khazad abod amuriz!  Du bekar!  Du bekar!”_ he called and all who heard him turned and saw him as a mighty force, his enemies wailing in despair.  The company followed him, dressed in like armor and carrying weapons found in the armory of Erebor, Dwarf-make of the like that was seen no more in Middle Earth.  Fili leaped down behind him, a sword in each hand as they pushed forward in a wedge towards the hill where the orc and goblin leaders stood surrounded by their guard.  Dwarves, men and elves alike rallied behind them, pushing back at their enemies in a last desperate stand. 

Fili had been so afraid during the long hours of waiting.  They had dressed, armed themselves and then sat silently as they watched the armies come together from their high vantage point.  He had excused himself to go alone and kneel before a small shrine to The Maker and voice his fears and thoughts in private.  He thought about his children, about them growing up fatherless as had he.  He thought about Kili and was grateful that he was not there with them, for he was sure Thorin’s madness had brought them all to ruin and at least his brother would remain untouched by it.  Too, he prayed, that if news of their loss should find Kili that he should return to Ered Luin and raise his children in peace and happiness, and endure this curse no longer.  Finally they had all bid each other farewell, grasping shoulders and touching foreheads, saying goodbye now because this was goodbye, and went forward to their deaths.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

_“Dear Kili,_

_This is my last letter to you.  I pray only that someday someone will find and deliver it.  Thorin is mad with dragon sickness.  He cast out our hobbit, little Bilbo whom we all loved, and I do not know if he now lives.  This accursed gold has drawn armies to our doorstep and war is upon us.  I will follow him in to battle because it is what I must do, the only thing I can do.  I am afraid Kili.  I am afraid of dying now.  What will become of my children without their mother or father?  My only regrets are that I leave them alone and I never again will see you.  
_

_If this letter comes to you than I am waiting for you with Da.  Please go home and raise my children as your own.  They will need your love._

_Your One, Fili”_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

Thorin fought like one possessed, and indeed he was, seeing only the face of Azog before him.  The white demon that had haunted his dreams, they would make an end of it now and such a glorious end!  Their voices lifted up in song that rose above the battle for never is a Dwarf more alive when he sees his enemies fall at his feet and all who heard it were either lifted up in joy or cast down in fear.  Fili fought behind him, keeping the enemy from closing in on his unprotected back.  The company struggled with the press of bodies but Thorin did not wait for them and soon he and Fili stood alone.

As if he were watching from a far distance Fili saw Thorin lifted up, blood flowing from his broken armor, as he spit in the face of the white demon that was killing him.  Azog the Defiler held him aloft and pulled back his terrible hooked claw for the final blow.  Fili saw himself, so small against this monster, leap forward and sever the hand that held his King.  Then he was back in his body, time flowing again and he slashed with both swords at the screaming creature, opening up it’s midsection in a spray of black blood and gore.  For a moment it was glorious, to see his enemies fall back in despair and to hear his own voice rising above the din crying out _“Khazad!  Khazad!”_   He turned to look back at his King to see him lying on the ground, his face painted with his own blood and Fili’s heart failed him.

At that moment he felt a terrible, rending tear in his left shoulder and he was spun about, his left sword dropping from his useless grasp.  Bolg!  The horrid orc king stood before him, a leer on his face as he swung again, striking Fili with a bone crushing blow that knocked him back off his feet.  He fell next to Thorin and tried to get back up, his body crumbling beneath him.  The monster with the swollen, misshapen face laughed at him, knowing Fili was beaten, knowing he had both him and Thorin at his disposal.  Fili raised his remaining sword in defiance.  “You’ll not touch him, you filth!”  He knew he was about to die but he would damned if he would lay down and do it willingly. 

The bloated creature stepped forward and that horrible face split open and then he was laughing, laughing at Fili’s useless defiance.  In those last moments the will to live and protect his own surged forward and Fili forced himself up onto one knee, sword ready.  Bolg raised his mace and spoke, “Here ends the line of Durin!”  The mace crashed to earth just shy of Fili’s left leg and the creature cried out in pain, reeling back to look down at an arrow shaft protruding from it’s neck.  Another dwarf, no, not a dwarf, an elf, _“What Dwarf uses a bow?”_ Fili thought as the stranger approached, another arrow drawn and loosed it directly into Bolg’s misbegotten face.  The orc staggered, raising its hand to its face as the other drew his sword and plunged it deep into the bloated creature’s belly and tugged it out with a twist.  The ground beneath them boiled wet with black blood as their enemy fell.  Then the field was surging back up onto them, the huge orcs sweeping towards them screaming.  The archer turned and threw himself on top of Fili, covering his body with his own.  Looking up he could see something so large passing above them that it blocked out the sky.  A voice inside him was saying, _“That cannot be.  It is too big to be possible.”_   Someone was screaming over the roaring sound in his ears as orcs came apart around them.  _“Fili? Fili!”_

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

Fili woke in a bed with a sky of white canvas overhead.  It was quiet and he couldn’t move his left arm at all and something warm was pressing into his right side.  Gingerly he turned his head to his right and saw a dark-haired Dwarf sleeping on the cot beside him, head pillowed upon his chest.  He blinked and studied the figure next to him.  The Dwarf was trim and well-built with a braid of dark hair that trailed all the way down to his belt and a short dark beard that was done in two short braidlets.  The Dwarf stirred and looked up at him with deep brown eyes.  He knew those eyes; other things may have changed, but not that.  _“Kili?”_

The other looked up at him, red-rimmed eyes set in a bruised face.  They just stared at each other for a long time until the other reached up a hand to gently touch him.  _“I thought you would leave me,”_ he whispered. _“After I came all this way to find you.”_

Fili didn’t know how to answer that, so he brought up his free hand to touch Kili’s hair.  “Look how long it’s gotten.  And you have a beard.”  Kili responded by stroking his face with tentative fingertips, asking permission.  Was this alright, after all this time?  “I prayed for this, you know.” Fili told him.

“For what?”

“That I would see you before the end.”

“Well you’re not ended yet.”

Fili pressed a small kiss across a thumb as it trailed over his lips.  “I thought I was.  When Thorin fell…”  He stopped.  “Oh, Mahal, Kili… Thorin!”  Kili raised his head up and gestured to Fili’s left.  Looking over he saw Thorin lying still and pale on a cot a few feet away.  “Is he…?”

“Alive, yes.  But he has yet to wake.  The healers aren’t sure he’s going to.”

Fili look back to his brother.  “How long?”

“Two days,” Kili answered, laying his head back down on his chest. 

“Have you been here the entire time?”

“We couldn’t get him to leave if we tried,” a familiar voice sounded near his feet.  Fili looked back up to see Oin standing there looking at them.  “Hasn’t left your side.”

“Thorin?” Fili asked him.

Oin grimaced as he looked over at the other cot.  “He’s strong, like I have never seen since his father and grandfather.  But there are some things we cannot fix.  You boys saved him, but I’m afraid that if he does wake up it may only be to say his goodbyes.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

When the end did come it was with his boys at his side.  Thorin held Kili in his arms and they forgave each other for their stubborn stupidity.  He was his own self again and looked upon them with approval and love.  “I am so proud of both of you.  Look what fine Dwarves you both have become.”  Then he wiped away their tears.  When they brought the little Hobbit in they watched from a respectful distance, Kili raising his eyebrows at Fili in an unspoken question.  “I have much to tell you… later,” was his brother’s only answer.  Together they gave Thorin back to the stone, the arkenstone on his chest, Orcrist on the lid of his tomb, where it was said that it would glow blue if enemies ever approached Erebor.  After the official ceremony the members of The Company stayed behind for a more private memorial.  Kili had offered to excuse himself for the sake of their privacy but they wouldn’t hear of it.  “You are as much one of us as if you had made the journey with us,” Fili assured him and the other’s agreed. 

It was Dwarven tradition that those close to the deceased leave something of a personal parting gift to show their grief.  Kili stepped forward, raised a dagger and sliced off his braids, laying them down into the mourning chest.  After him Fili did the same.  “He always loved you,” Fili placed a hand on his shoulder.  Kili closed the lid on the chest and locked it.  “I know.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

The night before his coronation Fili lay with his One on top of his blankets in the room they had taken in the mountain.  It was still a spare existence, but more secure for being inside and there had been no question that Kili would sleep elsewhere.  The two of them had not been apart since the day he woke in the healer’s tent.  Kili was carefully checking his brother’s shoulder.  “It will be a long time before you can use this arm.”

“That’s why I’ll need you with me.”  Fili raised his good hand to gently stroke his other.  “I’ve told you everything, nadad.  Will you now tell me?”

“There isn’t much to tell,” Kili carefully redid the bindings that held Fili’s shoulder still.  “I travelled alone to the main road and tagged along with a caravan.  Kind of made my way all over.  Worked in a forge in Bree for awhile.”

“That’s where you got to know Hobbits?”

“Aye, I was surprised to see one here.  They don’t take journeys.”

“Bilbo,” Fili lay back against his pillows.  “That one is special I think.”

“He must be.  They’re all such homebodies.”  Kili pulled off his own tunic and ran his hand through his now shoulder-length hair.  Fili admired how his other had filled out.  Not big by Dwarf standards, but lean and strong.  He reached up and touched Kili’s chest.  “Working the forge has been good for you.”

“I found Dwarf-make to be welcome pretty much everywhere I went.  Easy work to pay your way.  Even the elves had an appreciation for it.”

“Elves?! When did you stay with elves?”

“Imladris, the House of Elrond.  Stayed there for a short time passing through.  They were very nice, helped me with my bow a lot.”

“You just walked into Rivendell?  We had to get an introduction from Gandalf!”

“I bet Thorin was happy with that.”  Fili snorted.  “They’re all different, you know.  The elves I mean.  Elrond’s people aren’t like the Greenwood elves at all.  Thror would travel to see him sometimes.”

“Really?  I did not know that.”

“I was traveling with the Dunedain, came upon them on one of my treks through the wilderness.  They are good men, exiles, like us.  They lost their kingdom and now live to protect the weaker folk although most people don’t know anything about them.  They knew me because I used to repair their gear when they would come to Bree.”

“We should invite them to come here.  We should have friendship between our people and men such as theirs.”

“They are here now, some of them.  They came to battle the orcs and goblins.  They will be here for your ceremony.”

“I would like to meet them.  Would you send word?”

“Of course.  You will like them, straightforward warriors.”

Fili intertwined his fingers with his other’s.  “Tell me more.  Where else did you go?”

“At first I travelled from city to city, places big enough not to look twice at a travelling Dwarf.  I worked, drank, moved along.”

“Thorin tried to find you.  He sent out messengers to ask you to come home.”

Kili thought on that for a moment.  “I think I needed to be away.”

 _“Mahal, Kili, I missed you!”_   Fili’s face twisted up in hurt and frustration.  _“I needed you!”_

Kili sat back on the bed.  He knew this would be coming.  They had been delicately dancing around it since the day Fili woke.  “But I wouldn’t have been there,” he answered evenly.  “I was to be sent away, married.”

“I would have found a way!”

Kili gently took his other’s hand in his calloused one.  “Once I was tied down and obligated I wouldn’t have been able to.  I would have been trapped in a home that had no love for me, a burden.  Just an odd relative someone got saddled with.”

“You were never…”  Fili’s voice broke.  “You were never a burden to me.”

“I’m not like you Fili.  I can’t be where someone puts me.  I had to find my own way home, to you.”  He leaned over and pressed their foreheads together.  “When Gandalf told me you were coming here I had to come too.”

“Gandalf?”  Fili stroked his hair.  “Why am I not at all surprised?”

“He knew who I was,” Kili nuzzled him.  “I was working in a forge in Gondor and he would come check in on me whenever he stopped there.”

“But he never told Thorin?”

“He said it was something I needed to work out for myself.  I was going to try to meet you on this side of the Greenwood Road but you had to go to Lake Town by water!”

Fili laughed.  “You would have enjoyed it.”

“When the battle started I tried to find you.  I was sick with the thought that…”  Tears started to flow, dripping from Kili’s eyes down onto Fili’s face.  “When I saw you fall…”

“Hey,” Fili slid an arm around him and pulled him in to lay across his chest.  “I’m here now because you saved me.  And no one will put us apart again.”  They lay quietly for a long time, each lost in his own thoughts.  This was as much as they had done since the battle, between Fili’s wounds and the lack of privacy.  Now here they were and yet all they did was touch.  They still had love for each other, but they were so different now from the boys who had roamed the forests of Ered Luin.  Fili had been married, had children.  Kili had… what did Kili have?  “Kili?”

“Mmmm?”

“When you…  I mean, I had Astridr, but did you…?”

Kili shifted to look up at him.  “I never married, no.  There were a few.  None I cared to stay with.”

“Oh.”  He wasn’t sure what was acceptable for him to ask.  “So, you will be staying?  Here, I mean, with me?”

Kili pulled up enough to look down at him.  “What would I do here?”

“We need skilled help, Kili.  The forges have to be restarted.  The weapons and armor we found in the armory needs taken care of.  There’s talk of rebuilding Dale and I need someone who’s used to the ways of men.  There’s more than enough work here for you.”

Kili lay back down.  “I could do those things.”

Fili swallowed.  “And you’d be here with me, if you still want.”

He felt Kili shift on his chest.  _“It’s all I ever wanted.”_

Fili tugged him back up for a kiss which turned long and breathless, want and desire long suppressed now surging back to the fore.  They stroked and touched each other, Fili pulling his One down in line with his own body.  Kili pulled back gasping.  “You still haven’t healed, Fili.  Your shoulder.”

“My shoulder is fine,” Fili drew him back in.  “I’ve waited long enough for this.  I need my One.”

“My One,” Kili answered.  “Mine.”

 

 

 

 

["Fili's Children"](http://archiveofourown.org/works/949348)

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pabu draw this stunning artwork for the story. I don't know what I've done to deserve a gift this wonderful but you can see it at http://hvit-ravn.tumblr.com/post/72998848187/working-the-forge-has-been-good-for-you

**Author's Note:**

> Now maybe they will leave me alone at let me finish my other projects!


End file.
